I’m Pretending Not to Notice Your Birthday Fundraiser
Wow, what a great old photo you just posted on Facebook of you and your pet chinchillas! Was that taken during freshman year of college? How the heck did you sneak your pets into the dorm? Now I wish even more that I’d known you then. At least our mutual friend finally introduced us at the reunion in May. I’m also glad about that because you’re an executive at Netflix and I’ve got a pilot script about competing video arcades in the same Ohio neighborhood in the 1980s. I think I’ll “like” your photo and write “beautiful animals” under it.
Oh how funny — I see you recently posted a picture of a golf course in Europe with a sign written in various languages. In English it says, “Do not to leave your balls on the course please.” Hilarious! Instead of a “like,” I’ll “love” this post. Wait, should I have loved the previous one since it was about animals? Probably too many loves make a “love” lose its meaning.
Hmmm. I just noticed a notification about you in my right margin.
It says your birthday is tomorrow.
What can I post on your wall that says, “Even though I only met you once, I would love to send you my pilot script that takes place in the eighties although I was born in 1996?”
It has to be something chummy yet not stalky. I know: Happy upcoming birthday Gregg! Let’s connect again soon! That’s not pushy and it opens a dialogue…right?
Wait a minute.
Crap. I just noticed something.
You posted an hour ago that you’re raising funds for chronic hair loss. Your father and uncle were huge sufferers going back to their pre-teen years. And Cher and Kenny G are big supporters of the cause? It looks like you’re hoping to raise $2,000 toward a cure.
How can I pretend not to see this?
I care about chronic disorders (obvi!) but I’m low on funds. At least until I sell this pilot, or the other five in the drawer.
I can’t pretend not to see this, because I’ve already responded to two frivilous posts. What kind of schmuck likes a chinchilla photo and not a plea for medical research?
Crap crap crap crap.
I should go back and “unlike” the other posts so you don’t know I was looking. But you probably got notifications about them already. The only thing douchier than not donating would be to reverse a “like.”
I see 27 people already wrote “Happy birthday” on your timeline. They probably all have pilot scripts. At least half of those are about the 1980s.
Let me see if any of my credit cards are under the limit so I can donate $3.
I’m going to “like” this and then contribute in two weeks when I get paid for my content writing for e-cigs, which at least pays the bills. I’ll leave a P.S. after my birthday comment, since I don’t want to waste this opportunity: “P.S. The golden age of television deserves a peek into the golden age of Donkey Kong!”
Take that, chronic disorder!